


To Be A Me With A You

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Drama, F/M, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-28
Updated: 2007-12-28
Packaged: 2019-05-31 08:22:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15115535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: 'I'm sorry.  You don't know for what yet but I am so sorry.'





	To Be A Me With A You

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

  
Author's notes: The title comes from the Nada Surf song, The Inside of Love. It is one of my absolute favorites.  


* * *

Ellie had just come into her office. It was a stormy Tuesday morning and her umbrella died an ugly death on the way from the bakery. She bought two dozen cinnamon buns for all the lab techs and nurses before going to the hospital. Stripping off her slicker, she dropped her briefcase and coat in her chair before hanging it on the back of the door. Her phone was ringing so Ellie dug it out of her purse while simultaneously turning on her desktop and checking to see if she had any phone messages.

“Hello.” She typed her password into her computer.

“It’s me El. Um, something happened.”

“Is dad OK?”

Ellie’s stomach dropped. She did not like the sound of Zoey’s voice…this news was going to be bad. She felt selfish and guilty for not wanting to hear it right now.

“Dad and Mom are fine. This is about you.”

“Me? I didn’t do anything.”

“Liz sent me an email this morning. There are some pictures of you in the New York Post.”

“So what? Sometimes the vultures with expensive zoom lenses snap me without my ever knowing. I cannot believe some of them still care. There is nothing any of us can do about that kind of thing.”

“You're with a friend.” Zoey replied.

“Which friend?” The words came out of her mouth in slow motion. At least that’s how Ellie heard them.

“Take a wild guess.”

“Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!” She made a sound of total aggravation, slamming her fist on the desk. Paperweights and file holders shook.

“What are we doing, in the damn pictures?”

“I forwarded you the email.”

“Alright, I’ll check it. Thanks for calling me.”

“You might have to do damage control.” Zoey said.

“Is it that bad?”

“I just mean with family and friends. This is a hell of a way for people to find out.”

“Yeah. I’ll call you later.”

Ellie hung up, opening her Yahoo account. There was so much junk mail to wade through before she got to her sister’s email. It was a forwarded message titled ‘what the hell is this?’ Ellie rolled her eyes before opening it. Sure enough, there were three pictures of her and Toby. 

One had them crossing a busy uptown street, doing a light jog and holding hands. Another was waiting in line at a hotdog vendor; Toby’s arms protective around her waist. The third was the worst, though Ellie hated thinking in those terms. There was nothing wrong with a moment of affection on a Central Park bench. The kiss had not even been a big deal, but it looked like one frozen in time for all to see. She read the blurb under the heading ‘Love is in the Air’. It just made her angrier.

‘Middle daughter of former President Jed Bartlet, Ellie, seems to be stepping out with someone from her father’s past. Former White House Communications Director Toby Ziegler, convicted felon and professor at Columbia University, may be her new beau. She has been a widow for over a year and Mr. Ziegler nearly reclusive since his firing in shame from the White House. He was convicted to sixty months in federal prison for leaking sensitive government information to the New York Times six years ago. In his last act as President, Jed Bartlet pardoned him. They say opposites attract and this couple certainly proves it. Ziegler is 57 while Ellie Bartlet, Assistant Director of Research for Hudson University Medical Center is just 36. We wonder what her father thinks about this development.’

Ellie wondered the same thing but it did not have much time to run around in her mind. Dr. Benjamin Roth tapped on her door, came in, and closed the door behind him. He was Toby’s age, though his hair was grayer, and Ellie had always liked him. She hoped that didn’t change this morning.

“Hey Ellie.”

“Good morning. Sorry I was running late but the weather slowed everything down. You would think it never rained in Manhattan. Every time is like the first time.”

“Don’t worry about that.” he sat down in her guest chair. “The cinnamon buns more than make up for it. Nicholson’s?”

“Mmm hmm. What can I do for you, Dr. Ben?”

“I want you to oversee the CDC’s infectious disease project. I've got some other things coming down the pike and I know you will be able to handle it.”

“Of course; I’d be happy to do it. Thank you for considering me.”

“Always. In other news, you seem to have made the paper this morning.”

“My sister told me. It’s a hazard of the life my father chose to lead. They seem to want me the most because I shun the spotlight.” She was so angry right now, about the pictures and the words. Ellie had no idea what to do with those feelings.

“Well I certainly have no idea what its like to be the child of a President.” Ben said.

“Be glad.”

“Yeah.” He smiled. “I just wanted to let you know that Hudson University Medical Center does not comment on the personal life of any staffer. If I find out that anyone here has been talking to the press about you outside of the confines of your job, they will immediately be fired. Your life will not be fodder for the tabloids while I am the Director of Research.”

“I appreciate that. I never want to bring negative attention to Hudson. My job is very important to me.”

“I know that Ellie.” Dr. Ben stood. “We love having you here and we respect your right to a personal life.”

“He is not a felon. I don't know why but I feel the need to say that aloud.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything.”

“I know, but he is not a felon. Why does the press court you while at the same time saying the most hurtful things?” she asked.

“It’s a rag; the New York Post is a rag. I hope your day gets a little better.”

“Me too. Thank you for speaking with me.”

He nodded, leaving the office. All of this and the day hadn't even begun. As much as she wanted to call Toby Ellie knew there wasn’t time. Work had to come first and he was probably still asleep since it was his late day. A quick message was all she had time for as she rushed off to the lab. 

‘I'm sorry. You don’t know for what yet but I am so sorry.’ –Ellie

***

The pictures in the paper didn’t seem to make even a ripple with Toby’s colleagues. A few of them expressed support and he grumbled thanks as he headed to his office. Some of the students looked at him a bit longer than usual. If they were going to gossip about it they would wait until they were out at the pub or back in student housing. Maybe they didn’t even give a damn…was the love life of an old man really for the gossip pages? Wasn’t Paris Hilton up to something these days?

He’d read Ellie’s text over and over; it made him ache for her. She would think this was all her fault no matter what he did to make her think otherwise. Leaning back in his chair, Toby tried to figure out what he was going to say to make it better. His lack of ideas was interrupted by his cell phone.

“Hello.” He didn’t know who it was but already knew he was in little mood to talk.

“Tobus? Are you alright?”

“If you're calling me then the whole damn world knows the answer to that question.”

CJ Cregg sighed into the phone. Toby didn’t say much either. It had been a long while since they had done this. Infrequent emails were their usual mode of communication. She was a very busy woman; raising two kids while saving the continent of Africa. To hell with Bono, CJ Cregg was working it. She already had one Nobel Peace Prize nomination around her neck.

“How are my godchildren?” he asked, eager to change the subject.

CJ and Danny were the parents of Leo Thomas, born in November of 2007 and Faye Maureen, born in May of 2009.

“Faye managed to pick you out of a lineup…no pun intended. She still seems to think your name is Uncle Whooby. I don’t know where that came from.”

“The Hanukkah card and pictures you sent were great. They both look too much like Concannon.”

“That is the general consensus. Apparently Cregg genes just don’t beat it. I guess we should get this over with; Ellie Bartlet?”

“Yeah. I'm not going to hide or be ashamed of it. The fucking press had no right to follow us around and if I knew they were there I would have shoved those cameras up their asses. This will cause more heat for her than for me CJ. Her parents don’t even know yet.”

“Well how long have you been seeing her?” CJ asked.

“Mid-December. We ran into each other in Starbucks. We've hardly been apart since.”

“Is this serious Toby? Are you serious with her?”

His silence said everything she needed to hear. 3,000 miles and one betrayal between them and she could still read him like her favorite novel. It hurt that he had not shared this with her.

“Toby, I miss you.”

“Ditto.”

“Dammit, I hate that. Would you just say it?”

“I cannot say what you want me to say.”

“And what do you think that is? You can't say that you miss me?”

“I can't say that I wasn’t the leak CJ, or that I was covering for something. I can't say that I didn’t betray you. I'm sorry that I hurt you…sorrier than I am about all the other things I am sorry about.”

“I don’t care.” She said.

“You do care, and it’s why we haven’t had a decent conversation in almost six years. We…”

“I didn’t call you to go there Toby.”

“Why can't we just go there? If we went there maybe we could make our way back. Deep down you want to know why I hadn't told you about Ellie. We hardly talk anymore; I didn't want to call and drop a bombshell like that.”

“I wouldn’t care if you called to give me the fucking Brooklyn weather report. I want to hear your voice. I want to hear your thoughts.”

“You stopped talking to me because you had to.” he said.

“That was then. You know I could not speak with you after what you told me. That person was White House Chief of Staff. I am your best friend.”

“Yeah. I should go. Its one of those days and um…”

“Have you talked to Donna lately?” she asked. CJ was jealous of the relationship the two of them had cultivated since leaving the White House. She couldn’t help it; she was only human.

“She sent me an email telling me you offered her a position.”

“Last week. I don’t know if she will take it but I know she would be a great member of the team. I want Charlie on my legal team after he leaves the White House.”

“I do love you; I love you so much. It breaks my heart that my goddaughter thinks my name is Whooby.”

CJ laughed and wondered if Toby knew she was also crying. Of course he knew; he always knew.

“She’s barely three. She will get better with names. Tobus?”

“What?”

“If Ellie makes you happy, please hold onto her.”

“Yeah. Goodbye Claudia Jean.”

“Bye.”

After hanging up his phone, Toby opened his gmail account. He typed in the address flamingogirl@gmail.com and started to pour his heart out. Countless words later, paragraphs, and years, he pushed send. The instant after he did it he wanted it back. That was how he always felt after a confession. But it was gone; off to where it needed to be. Perhaps there were enough words to build a bridge between Brooklyn and Southern California. Perhaps it would get him his best friend back.

***

“Hi mom.”

“You can't be having the best day sweetheart.”

“So you know?”

“I got the email from your sister this morning.” Abbey Bartlet replied.

“What the hell is her problem? She is worse than the damn press! Did she get some sick joy out of this?”

“I don’t know what her motives were. What I can say is that I already knew about your relationship.”

“What? Mom, I know you do the psychic thing quite well but how could you have possibly known?”

“Ellie told me about six weeks ago. She could not stop talking about your new friend Toby. She described him to a tee, down to the curly beard and the bald head.”

“You knew and didn’t say anything?” Ellie asked.

“What place is it of mine to tell you who you can and cannot be friendly with? You still have a lot of life to lead; you should be happy doing it.”

“Mom…”

“I'm on your side.”

“You don’t think I'm insane?”

“God no. I think it might be good for both of you.”

“Does Dad know?”

“I didn’t tell him. I'm sure he received an email but we have not discussed it. When we do I will do my best to act as if I didn’t know. You know how he can be. Would you like to speak to him?”

“No.”

Abbey laughed.

“I bet. I love you Ellie and I'm here. Here’s Dad.”

“Love you too mom. Hi Dad.”

“Hey.”

“This is rather awkward.” She said.

“From both sides I'm sure. Toby Ziegler is too old for you.”

“I don’t know what to say to that.”

“There is nothing to say, I'm right. It’s the truth.”

“The truth is that I love him. Isn’t it insane that you're the first person I've said that to? I loved him when I ran into him in Starbucks. I can't explain why and I don’t care why… some things are beyond conventional wisdom. I don’t care about the New York Post, Liz, or even you Daddy. Because the truth is you would never stop loving me over someone I chose to love. I don’t know how you feel about it; I can guess you aren’t happy. We will have a nice, long talk when I come up in two weeks. I promise.”

“Are you pushing me off the phone?” Jed asked.

“Yes. I have to go back to work now. I love you.”

“A long talk Eleanor; perhaps with pie charts and studies.”

“I look forward to it.” she said laughing.

“Alright. I love you.”

She hung up the phone and headed back to the lab. Her cell phone beeped while the elevator rode down. Ellie pulled it from her hip, opening the text message.

‘You have nothing to be sorry for sweetheart. You look amazing in every photo. I'm sorry if this causes a hardship for you.’ –Toby

‘I'm alright. All is currently well.’ –Ellie

‘Are you sure?’ –Toby

‘Not entirely. Wanted to be optimistic though.’ –Ellie

‘Let me see you tonight. I have a meeting but will be done by 8:30.’ –Toby

‘Yes. Oh yes. We’ll talk then. I have to go.’ –Ellie

‘Bye.’- Toby

She wanted this day to be over. Ellie managed to keep her back straight for the rest of the afternoon. No one said anything about the pictures and other than Zoey calling to check up on her, it was not discussed again. The CDC project was going to be quite a busy one…the distraction would get her straight through to her long weekend in Manchester. The conversation with her father was unavoidable.

It needed to be done, Ellie would do it, and that would be the end. One thing those vultures did, they let out the secret out. There was no need to walk around as if she was keeping something from the people she loved. Whether they liked it or hated it, it was there.

***

The door buzzed just as Ellie stepped out of the shower. She quickly towel dried and threw on her bathrobe. The door buzzed again while she was walking down the hall to the intercom. The whole way she plucked hairpins out of her mouth and piled her auburn curls on top of her head.

“Toby?”

“Yes. You sound out of breath.”

“I'm OK. Come on up.”

She let him into the building and went into the kitchen to pour herself a drink. A nice glass of Riesling would settle her mind for sleep. Ellie opened the door when Toby knocked.

“Sorry I'm late but I…oh, you’ve dressed for bed.”

“I just got out of the shower.”

“Oh.”

“Would you like a drink?” she asked.

“I would like a kiss much more.”

Smiling, Ellie let him envelop her in his arms and give her passionate kisses. They stood there for a while just kissing.

“Are you sure you don’t want a drink?”

“I'm fine.”

“Well come back to the bedroom. I'm hanging out there tonight.”

“Is Ellie asleep?”

“Out like a light. C’mon.”

Nodding, Toby left his jacket and laptop bag in the closet. He followed her, closing the door when they were both inside. Ellie’s bedroom was a big space with a high ceiling. Tonight she had at least five candles lit, filling the room with the same scent as the storm that raged outside. Toby sat in one of the overstuffed chairs by the window; Ellie sat across from him on the bed. Paula Cole sang in the background.

“This is like a scene from a movie.” He said, unable to think of anything else.

“Who would play me?” she asked.

“Oh no, those kinds of questions get a guy in trouble.”

“Give it a try.”

“Mandy Moore.” He said. “I don’t know much about her but Molly likes her. In that movie I saw I just remember all that vulnerability under the layers of sophistication. And she really liked cupcakes…in the movie.”

Ellie laughed. She drank half of her wine and climbed into his lap. Her robe came partially opened as she kissed him. Toby took hold of the Terry cloth lapels.

“Who would play me?”

“David Strathairn.”

“He has more hair than I have.” 

“Didn’t you know that everyone gets to have hair in the movies? Apparently, my mother has known for a while about us. She heard it from her granddaughter, who is quite fond of mommy’s new friend Toby.”

“Yeah?” he smiled.

“Mmm hmm.”

They were quiet again for a while. Ellie rested her head on his shoulder and Toby stroked her hair. He pulled out the pins, letting it fall around her face.

“A part of me feels like we should talk about it and another part of me thinks we talked too much already.”

Toby turned his head, kissing her. As she slid further in his lap, Ellie wrapped her arms around him. Her fingers ran through the curls on the back of his neck, making Toby shiver.

“Sweetheart?” Toby gave her eskimo kisses.

“Mmm hmm?”

“How about we get you out of this bathrobe and um…”

“Yes?” Ellie asked, untying the robe.

“Make it up as we go along?”

She laughed, smiling as she stood. The robe dropped to the floor when she slid it from her shoulders. Toby thought she was so beautiful in only her skin. As Ellie moved onto the bed he began to undress too. He joined her only when he was naked as she.

“I love you Toby.”

The words took the breath from his body. He took her face in his hands.

“I will do everything I can to deserve it.”

“You already have.”

His body hovered over hers and Ellie completely surrendered. Maybe he was not ready to say what he needed or wanted to. Toby let his body speak for him as his hands made their way across the map of Ellie. Stroking and caressing until she melted into the mattress. His mouth took possession of her breasts.

“Mmm Toby, oh God.”

He was gentle for a while, and then sucked hard. He wanted to leave those little reminders that he was there. Ellie gripped his shoulders and made a strange noise that made her lover pull away.

“Am I hurting you?” he murmured, the whiskers on his face brushing her sensitive skin.

“No.” she shook her head. “Never.”

“I just…I want you so much. I get excited.”

He smiled at her and Ellie returned it. She brought him back to her breasts; Toby finished what he started. Ellie writhed underneath him, sighing as his mouth moved lower and lower. The scent of her want made him so hot that he quivered. He pulled back for a moment…got his bearings. Sometimes Toby was afraid of completely ravaging the woman. Ellie stripped herself bare for him every single time. Each encounter saw Toby shedding more of the heavy armor that he wore for protection, defense, and evasion. He didn’t need it with her.

His pause gave Ellie a moment of opportunity. She rolled them so that she was on top. Toby relaxed as her mouth and tongue ran across his whole body. Her hands were gentle as they took hold of his erection.

“Ellie…” he opened his eyes.

“Yes, professor?”

He laughed, putting his hand on her shoulder.

“I…”

“Oh I know.”

“But you don’t.”

“Shh.”

“But I need…”

“Shh.”

Ellie ran her tongue up the long vein. He shuddered as his hand gripped her shoulder tighter.

“Ellie…”

“You don’t want it?” her tone was so innocent. Who would have thought she was talking about such a dirty, yet excellent, endeavor?

“Dear God, of course I do. I just…”

She smiled, not bothering to let him finish. Toby nearly exploded when her mouth encased him. His back came off the mattress as a guttural moan escaped his diaphragm. She’d done this before, that morning, and he was high for almost three days. It was better than any drink he ever put into his body…or any drug. Even the spiked stuff he and CJ smoked at Berkeley. 

It was not as if various women over the years had not been orally kind to Toby Ziegler. Rikki Rafferty immediately came to mind. She wanted to go down on him all the time; it gave her a serious power trip. That’s what made it unbearable for Toby after a while. He stopped being able to perform. Sex as a power trip…it didn’t work if your soul was still intact.

“Ellie! Ellie! Oh God, honey, oh God!”

When they kissed again, he tasted himself on her tongue. He kept kissing until he could taste her.

“I love you, God I adore you. I hate saying it now, but…”

Ellie quieted him, sliding onto his erection. Her breath hitched and Toby took both of her hands in his. He didn’t have a ton of energy left but didn’t need it. Ellie rode him frantically, crying out as her clit rubbed against his rough skin. They rolled again and when Toby thrust she climaxed, biting his shoulder.

“Oh God, Ellie!”

He prayed his didn’t wake her daughter as the feeling washed over him. Toby held her tight to him, groaning and shuddering as he released inside of her.

“Mmm.” She kissed him softly. “You magnificent man.”

Toby pulled out, lying on his stomach. Ellie threw the covers over them. He rolled onto his side and pulled her against him as thunder rumbled in the skies outside.

“I love you.” He whispered, tenderly kissing her shoulder.

“That’s like music to my ears.”

“I wasn’t sure how I was going to say it. I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure. Strangely, it was your sweet, but slightly misplaced, apology that took it over the top for me. It's almost ridiculous how adorable you are about 98% of the time.”

“I was sorry Toby; I am.” She slid her fingers over his. “I know how much I hate what happened so you must be livid.”

“Actually, I could care less. If the silly paparazzi think its worth reporting then let them snap away. My main concern was you; your family didn’t know about us. I never want anything to hurt you and little Ellie.”

“Liz took care of my family not knowing.” Ellie replied, turning in his arms.

“What the hell did she do?” Toby asked after kissing her.

“Emailed the picture to Zoey and my parents. When I get my mind unscrambled I plan to call her and ask what she was thinking.”

“She is not going to be able to tell you. She has this streak in her that doing what she did satisfied for a moment. Let it go Ellie; trying to get to the bottom of her will just drive you crazy.”

“Yeah.” She kissed him once more, snuggling against his chest as she felt sleep caress her like a lover. “Tell me you love me again.”

“I love you Dr. Eleanor Bartlet.”

“I talked to my dad today.” She murmured.

“Are you out of the will? Is your portion going to the Manchester Feline Society?”

Ellie laughed, stifling a yawn.

“We are going to have a nice, long talk when I see him in two weeks. He wasn’t happy but I didn’t expect a parade.”

Toby held her closer and stroked her naked back.

“Its not going to change what I feel Toby.”

“Ditto.” He kissed her forehead.

She wanted to tell him that it felt like a dream; that she never felt this way before. Something stopped her but Ellie wasn’t sure what. She just rubbed his stomach and fell asleep listening to him breathe. Toby stayed up a while longer. He thought about the email he sent CJ and how she would respond. 

He thought about the conversation Ellie would have with her father in two weeks. He thought of probably hearing from Donna soon and if she would take the job offer. He thought of how he and the woman he loved would juggle full-time parenthood and their fast moving relationship. He thought about people noticing that he wore the same outfit two days in a row. That definitely would not go by without notice at the White House.

Ellie murmured, turning over in her sleep. Toby grimaced as he did his best to extract his arm from under her without waking her. It was a success. He got up, blew out the candles, and got back into bed. She smiled when she felt him close.

“Mmm, lets sleep together every night Toby.” She whispered.

“Go back to sleep.” Toby replied, kissing her hair as he snaked himself around her relaxed body.

“It'll be lots of fun; I don’t hog the covers.”

“I know sweetheart. If I was that close to you that often I'm sure there would be a sleep deprivation issue in a matter of days.”

Ellie giggled. He kissed her hair again and knew she was already asleep. Releasing the shackles of the day with several deep breaths, Toby fell asleep too. Sleeping together every night; that would be extraordinary. Just as every moment with her had already been.

***


End file.
